Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time,
Long, long ago....
There was this girl....

You see..
This girl wasn't anything special.
Warranted no special attention
And deserved absolutely nothing.

But one day....

Well.

Maybe it wasn't quite so long ago...

And that story doesn't have quite as happy an ending as it seems like it might.


You see...
That girl is me.

And try as I might, I rarely find the silver lining. I rarely see the bright side.

And why should I? I never get to have a happily ever after. I never get to just have a good day, week, year, lifetime, century, etc. etc. etc.


Le sigh.

Anyway.

I'm going to just listen to my Emilie Autumn and go on. Per usual.


Always,
Ophelia.


P.S., My darlings- Miss Lucy Had Some Leeches. Look it up.

Limits.

I am stretching myself too far, I think.

Always,
Ophelia.

Death

What would happen if you were to die today?

What would you leave behind?

Who would you leave behind?

Would you kill yourself when you reached the end and couldn't live anymore? Or would you keep living because of whatever reasons, be they obligations or fears?

And why is it that people who are happier or people who don't consider death as an option are so against it? They consider it to be the easy way out.

Does it not take a lot of strength and determination to put your own life to an end? It would be easier to kill another than to kill yourself, if you think about it.

Death can be whatever you want it to be depending on how you look at it.

If you were to die tonight in your sleep, who would be the ones shedding tears because you left their life in the physical form?



I would.


Always sentimentally a fool,
Ophelia.

Entwined

I will never forget that moment, that night, that feeling.

I will never forget the very moment that our lives became entwined.

I do not know where we will end up or where this will take us, but I wish that you would understand. I am always here. Always. Waiting. Hoping. Helping. Faking. I am fine.

The moment of our entwining changed both of our lives on some level. Otherwise we wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't play the games that we play with each other.

It wasn't long until the entwining deepened. It wasn't long until we were both in over our heads. The only difference is that I am in it alone.

Neither of us knows where the entwining of our lives will take us. I don't even know if you realize just how tied together we are. On some level, this is how it is meant to be or it wouldn't have happened like it did. I don't know if you will ever realize it. I don't know if you will ever understand. The person that is always there for you most is something more than the person that you wish could always be there for you.

But I wait.

I play our games.

And I am fine.

Always F.I.N.E.,
Ophelia.

Thump

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

In the darkness,
It echoes.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Silent yet deafening.
Moist.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Trapped.
Closed in.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Safe.
Stored.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

A secret treasure.
One not to be shared.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.


For safe keeping, my heart should be placed in a jar and stored on a shelf.

For no matter how many times I piece it back together, I never hesitate to hand it off to unsteady hands or to drop it myself. Sometimes return it to the same hands that have once before dropped it. If not more.

Always,
Ophelia.

It is odd, sometimes, how much we come to expect something that we shouldn't...

I am no stranger to disappointment. Yet time and time again I find myself expecting things that I have been disappointed in before. Like getting to see a friend that I rarely get to see.

No matter how many times I am disappointed, I never stop expecting it. And it never stops to hurt just as much as the first time.

Always expecting,
Ophelia.

Observation

In the beginning, this blog was about my transformation into the person I want to be. It has changed since the beginning due to outside circumstances. Maybe I will get it back to where I want it to be.

Always,
Ophelia.

Securely Insecure

One does wonder, on occasion, why one is the way that one may be.

I, for one, tend to keep to myself save with those that I know. I'm not an overly affectionate type. I'm more for the small things as opposed to going over the top. The small things can make all the difference positively or negatively. I am stubborn. I am shy. I tend to remain to myself and observe those around. But sometimes...

..I am discontented.

Often, actually.

For why is it that I can't meet people that are genuinely interested in me? Why can't I make friends so easily? Why can't I... Just...Why can't I?

Why is it that the people (mainly females in this context, but in general also) who get attention, who are surrounded by people, who don't have to try so damn hard to make the very few friends that they have are not me?

Do I have to wear so little clothing? Toss what intelligence I do have away? Make my sexuality overly obvious? Do I have to do those things to make friends? Meet people? Succeed in the social scene?

I have enough issues with who I am, how I look, and all of that without someone that I care a great deal for helping make those things more obvious. Even if they don't mean to.

It hurts.

It doesn't matter though.

I won't say a word.

Always,
Ophelia.

Cry me a River. Build me a Bridge. And get over it.

Ever had those days when all you want to do on some level is cry? Your eyes burn in that you have been crying way? You have nearly burst into tears several times in the matter of twenty minutes kind of way?

Welcome to my today.

It has gotten a little better since I have been awake for a few hours now.

I am kind of making a decision that feels like it is tearing my heart and soul in half, but not taking one of the halves away. Just leaving it in my presence for me to want but not have, reach for but not take, yearn to hold yet only look from a difference. Look but not touch.

It feels like it is killing me.

But I know that it isn't.

Bare with me.

Always insanely yours,
Ophelia.

Another Year

I am still alive. And while things haven't been wonderful, I could be a lot worse off right now.

I had the intentions of writing a letter unto myself, and I may do it later, but I am tired right now.

I had the most wonderful time last night. I mean truly. I hadn't really had a good time like that in a while. I hope that something comes of it.

Always,
Ophelia.

End of the Line

There is a point in time that each and ever person reaches sometime. Where they are just tired of everything. They have reached the end of the line.

Yesterday, I reached that line with a couple of things. Made someone mad at me. And honestly, I could care less.

They are mad because it is true. Because the truth hurts.

I'm tired of being used and unappreciated.

Always,
Ophelia.

Theme Song Anyone?

My hair's a wreck
Mascara runs
My feet get dirty
And my skin burns in the sun.
My lips they bleed
But I still sing my songs.
Takes me a minute
To admit it when I'm wrong.

Pretty is as pretty does,
But pretty's not my thing.

This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
If you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.

My back is weak,
But my will is true.
Got good intentions
But I never follow through.
I say too much,
And don't know when to leave.
In case you're looking,
That's my heart there on my sleeve.

Ego trips and stupid slip ups,
I'm a mess but

This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
If you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.

Scratched and bruised,
A little used,
But baby I work fine.
You might call me
Damaged goods,
But I'm one of a kind.

My hair's a wreck,
No I'm not perfect
But I'm not the only one.

This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
If you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
This is who I am.
If you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.



"Imperfection" by Saving Jane

Sometimes the little things from someone you don't know make the biggest difference...

I received this in a message from someone that I don't know today.

Just wanted you to know you are beautiful

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down...
Probably will.
You will have your heart broken
Probably more than once
And it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too,
So remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast
And you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
Laugh too much,
And love like you have never been hurt
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset
Is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

It made me smile. And I wanted to share.

Always,
Ophelia.

In the Blink of an Eye....

...a heart can be crushed. Even if the feelings were stronger than realized.

And to think that I should know better by now...

Sadly,
Ophelia.

If I Was Your Vampire....

This song holds a special place inside of me right now...

6 a.m. Christmas morning.
No shadows,
No reflections here.
Lying cheek to cheek
In your cold embrace.

So soft and so tragic
As a slaughterhouse.
You press the knife
Against your heart.
And say,
"I love you, so much you must kill me now."

I love you
So much
You must kill me now.

If I was your vampire,
Certain as the moon,
Instead of killing time,
We'll have each other
Until the sun.
If I was your vampire,
Death waits for no one.
Hold my hands
Across your face,
Because I think
Our time has come.

Digging your smile apart
With my spade tongue.
The hole is where the heart is.
We built this tomb together,
And I won't fill it alone.
Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back.

If I was your vampire,
Certain as the moon,
Instead of killing time,
We'll have each other
Until the sun.
If I was your vampire,
Death waits for no one.
Hold my hands
Across your face,
Because I think
Our time has come.

Blood-stained sheets
In the shape of your heart,
This is where it starts...
Blood-stained sheets
In the shape of your heart,
This is where it starts.
This is where it will end.
Here comes the moon again.

6:19 and I know I'm ready
Drive me off the mountain.
You'll burn,
I'll eat your ashes.
The impossible wheels seducing
Our corpse.

If I was your vampire,
Certain as the moon,
Instead of killing time,
We'll have each other
Until the sun.
If I was your vampire,
Death waits for no one.
Hold my hands
Across your face,
Because I think
Our time has come.

Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back.
Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back.

This is where it starts.
This is where it will end.
Here comes the moon again.

This is where it starts.
This is where it will end.
Here comes the moon again.

Here comes the moon again

Here comes the moon again

"If I Was Your Vampire"
-Marilyn Manson

Late night Early Morning

I am still overly tired, from new stress, not enough sleep, and normal stresses.

I can look at it optimistically...I'm getting the vacation that I needed. But I'm not an optimistic person. I can't stop thinking of the issues that are going to arise if I cannot get this situation remedied.

Always,
Ophelia.

Short Skirts

Sometimes emotions are hidden as well as when one wears a short skirt. They aren't quite hidden, but are barely covered.

My emotions have shifted to a degree. I am feeling slightly better about who I am as I am right now. Not much, but enough to make facing the days a little easier. And to give me the occasional times when I don't feel quite so bad about how I look.

My weight may finally be headed in the proper direction. The scales and I will never be friends, though. Just a fact of life.

I am still very much alone. I have stopped looking for companionship. How it is. Have been talking to someone again. I don't know that it will become anything more than casual sex. The whole friends with benefits thing. But that is okay. He has been through plenty. And I'm not the girl he would want anyway.

Always,
Ophelia.

Epiphany

I would just like to take a moment before I post my entry to say the following:

Hello there. How are you, lurking readers of late? You are welcome. You won't find much of interest here though.


What does one do when one finds oneself sitting in the floor cross-legged?

One thinks.

One thinks about the different situations in one's life and the different people. And one realizes that on some level, one is completely and utterly alone. And that one will die alone. Even if there are people at one's side as the last moments slip away, clutching one's hands and whispering last goodbyes and "I love you"s and telling one that everything will be alright.

One is alone because unless these people truly care, truly love, truly mean something, they won't have weaseled their way into one's heart. Except that that is not true. Because one can love without any of it being returned. And that makes one even more alone. And empty.

So.

What do I do when I find myself sitting in the floor cross-legged?

I think.

I think about the fact that I am surrounded by no one. About my phone that does not receive many calls. It only makes them. I think about the last kiss I received and who it was from, knowing that there was not meaning behind that kiss for them though there was for me. I think about the last time someone held me when I cried just to hold me. Or the last time that someone held me just to hold me. I think about the last sweet thing that was done for me just because. I think about the things that I do for the people that I care about. And the fact that when I do them I get treated badly and used. I think about my heart..and the love that is given yet not returned.

I think about the fact that I am truly alone. I am truly alone, but I am not weak because I keep going. Because I don't give up when all I feel like doing is quitting. The fact that while I have very few friends and my emotions are tossed back in my face, I keep going.

I am alone. But I am not weak.

Always,
Ophelia.

Confessional

I have fallen for one of the few friends that I do have in my life.

I won't say anything though. He sees us as friends, and he had a date with someone last night. He had a good time. And if he is happy, I'm not going to even consider messing it up.

I would rather everyone that I care about be happy even if I am completely miserable.

Always,
Ophelia.

War of Wills

How long does one remain silent before one decides to speak? Before one breaks the silence that one has created? Holding out for what will never come from one with whom one should know better.

How is it that one falls for one that is interested in only friendship when one and other get along so very well and have common interests?

One may be in need of a vacation...

Always,
Ophelia.

God Help Me

"Places, everyone, this is a test
Throw your stones, do your damage, your worst
And your best, all the world is a judge
But that doesn't compare to what I do to myself
When you're not there
And if I had a dollar for every time
I repented the sin and commit the same crime
I'd be sitting on top of the world today
I'd be sitting on top of the world today"

"God Help Me" - Emilie Autumn

My head hurts.

Always,
Ophelia.

Saving the World

There are comic books, books, cartoons, and movies full of heroes. These heroes go out and save the world, saving those that they care about most and those that they know the least.

Everyone is a hero in their own right.

But what does a hero do if they can't save the world? The world as a whole or the world of one that they love?

They keep trying, never giving up and never stopping. For if they don't save the world, who will? But would they be willing to destroy themselves to save the world of someone that they love?

The biggest sacrifice of all is said the be the sacrifice of self. But most people would save themselves before they would save someone else.

So what does one anti-superhero do when they can't save the world of one that they care about?

If that anti-superhero is me, they do whatever they can to save those that they love. Even if it destroys them.

Always,
Ophelia.

Permission

I want to be someone else. Do I need the permission of those in my life to do this? Or can I just move forward with my plans and become who I want to be?

I know that I have been quiet as of late. The world catches up with you and leaves with with no time for anything. But I am still here. I haven't disappeared off of the face of the planet. There are those who are not lucky enough to have me just up and disappear.

Always,
Ophelia.

Confirmation. Realization. Revealing.

Confirmation, once again, that I should just stop putting forth any kind of effort. For trying just does not work out so very fantastically.

Confirmation that I apparently have the sex drive of some kind of animal. Like a rabbit. "Fuck like a rabbit" anyone?

I really need to get laid.

Yes. I do realize that this post is out of my usual style.

Shrug. Shit happens. Been one of those days. Thusly, I do not care if you are happy or not.

I would also like to note that since one or two people occasionally wonder onto my page, no one is going to read this. So it doesn't matter if I sound like myself or not.

Learn this. There are many facets to the Ophelia whose mind you are crawling around within. You will see them as time passes. For I am not always a strong-willed, independent, level-headed woman. Sometimes I am a scared little girl. Sometimes I am vulnerable. Sometimes I am just pissy and in need of a good fuck.

Always,
Ophelia.

Left Behind

People seem to be leaving my life right now. Ones that have been in my life for a short period of time, and some that have been there for years.

I keep telling myself that it is for the best.

I don't believe me very much.

Always,
Ophelia.

It Begins...

I have begun the changes.

They have begun simply cosmetic. Hair really. That has altered my self-confidence a bit. Made me feel a little better about myself.

Always,
Ophelia.

Eyes and Windows

Eyes are said to be the window to the soul. What do you see when you look into my eyes?

I know what I see when I look in the mirror. I see what is. I see the flaws. I see the damages of time and carelessness. When I look into my mind...I see possibilities. I see concepts. I see what is to come. But only what I have some control over. I have no control over outside forces. I do have minimal control over what I can do.

Like my appearance to a degree.

I can't go and alter my bone structure or anything like that. I can change my hair, weight, muscle toning, etc.

I know what I want. I intend very much so to make it happen as best as I am able.


Always,
Ophelia.

Make Me Pretty

I have plans. I have goals. I have dreams.

Make me pretty.

Always,
Ophelia.

Moving On

I am always looking for an escape. I have always wanted out. I want to go to some place new. Make a new start. Be someone new.

What's funny is...I'm always looking for a reason to stay.

Always,
Ophelia.

Markings

I have some new markings. They make me happy in my own odd little way.

Red has been laid out as a colour to come. Shade has yet to be determined, but red nonetheless.

My plans may be shifting on their own, and that is fine with me. There are still going to be changes in varying degrees. I will be the person that I want to be.

Always,
Ophelia.

Shifting

I have not been feeling much like posting or doing much of anything.

I have been thinking though.

My plans may have to be altered financially. What I am wanting to do and what I can afford to do are two entirely different creatures. One is more easily tamed than the other, and that is the one that I may have to go with unless there are some major shifts in my future.

Always,
Ophelia.

Tired

I am growing tired right now. Nothing special. Just tired.

I don't really feel like doing anything.

It will pass.

Always,
Ophelia.

Closure

At this time and over the next couple of days, a chapter in my life is drawing to a close.

As this chapter closes, we begin a new chapter. Full of possibilities. Even a little hope. With this new chapter comes new changes, in theory many of them.

Are you here for the ride? To watch me fall? To watch me succeed?

Take your pick. We will see who is correct.

Always,
Ophelia.

Thus far in the story...

Today has been fairly calm.

I haven't done half of what I should, but I have been thinking and planning.

The plans have not moved any more forward than they have them. It is all in timing. And some of these things take time.

I have ideas for photos as well. But those would take so arranging and the proper model or subject. Or, more appropriately, a proper photographer. I am no where near the par that of my ideas.

Always,
Ophelia.

And the sun rises..

Reality is a very cruel master, you know. You try so very hard to escape it, and you cannot.

I have a tendency to live in my head, for it is easier and less likely to end in pain. Every morning, though, I have to rise and face the day. I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning aside from obligation. I am looking to change this little fact. It is part of the larger scheme of my plans.

I will be a new person. A new me. A better me.

People seek the beautiful. I want to be beautiful.

Always,
Ophelia.

The Pain of a Broken Heart. Of a Bleeding Heart.

I am sorry, you know. I tell you this and you just ignore me.

I am sorry that I pointed out the ugly truth. Pointed out my position in your life.

I am a substitute for another. The bed warmer. The one you touch while thinking of her.

I accept it. You don't seem to like the reality of things. It isn't my fault. You have made your decisions. You have chosen your love and your lover. For you will never love me, and that I have accepted.

Keep playing games with me though...Keep playing games and the games will be public.

I stopped playing those games. The games in which I beg for your attention, your voice, your touch. I can seek the touch of another. I just prefer yours. Long for it. Love it.

Do I need you?
Yes and no.
Do I want you?
Maybe so.

You don't need me. You don't want me. You just use me. And I let you. I accept it because I love you. That doesn't make it right, but that makes it my decision.

I am making many decisions right now. Let this be my decision. I would like for you to enjoy it while it lasts. While I allow you to use me.

You won't even see this.

I love you, my dear.

Always,
Ophelia.

Plotting and Schemeing

The plans are being drafted for the new.

I have ideas and theories that can only be tested and enacted in the months to come. And will be tested and enacted in the months to come.

The new Ophelia will be born soon enough. Her colors are red, purple, and black. She is of passion and elegance.

She will come full circle soon.

And then, only then, will my face be revealed. For I want no preconseptions based on appearance. Take my words as they are. Do not place them with a face of some woman that I am not.

Always,
Ophelia.

The Trust of Man

I should know better than to trust man.

They are never there when you need them. When you have neve asked for anything before, they cannot be there simply to listen when you have had a hard day and shared an unhappy truth or two.

To trust in man is to ask for disappointment and recieve it. Then you ask for it again, coming back time and time again for more even though you should have learned the first time.

I have come back for more. And I should have learned the first time or twenty.

Yours,
Ophelia.

Enter Ophelia

If you will not hug me,
I will hug you still.

If you will not kiss me,
I will kiss you still.

If you will not think of me,
I will think of you still.

If you will not love me,
I will love you still.

Always.

Until the end of time.
Until the winds stand still
And the rains fall no more.

For love is forever.
And love does not fade with time.

Love your little beauty now
And for as long as you desire.
For I will love you longer.

For my love is true.

Even if you will never love me,
I will always love you.

Enter Ophelia.

You do not know my face. My name. My past, present, or future.

You know only what I tell you, and what I tell you is nothing but the truth.

Enter Ophelia. Tell your story. Your story of truth, be it happy, sad, painful, lonely. Tell your truth. Let it be free and known.

For the truth is supposed to set you free. And Ophelia, you should be free.

Enter Ophelia.

I am Ophelia.