Thump

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

In the darkness,
It echoes.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Silent yet deafening.
Moist.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Trapped.
Closed in.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Safe.
Stored.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

A secret treasure.
One not to be shared.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.


For safe keeping, my heart should be placed in a jar and stored on a shelf.

For no matter how many times I piece it back together, I never hesitate to hand it off to unsteady hands or to drop it myself. Sometimes return it to the same hands that have once before dropped it. If not more.

Always,
Ophelia.

It is odd, sometimes, how much we come to expect something that we shouldn't...

I am no stranger to disappointment. Yet time and time again I find myself expecting things that I have been disappointed in before. Like getting to see a friend that I rarely get to see.

No matter how many times I am disappointed, I never stop expecting it. And it never stops to hurt just as much as the first time.

Always expecting,
Ophelia.

Observation

In the beginning, this blog was about my transformation into the person I want to be. It has changed since the beginning due to outside circumstances. Maybe I will get it back to where I want it to be.

Always,
Ophelia.

Securely Insecure

One does wonder, on occasion, why one is the way that one may be.

I, for one, tend to keep to myself save with those that I know. I'm not an overly affectionate type. I'm more for the small things as opposed to going over the top. The small things can make all the difference positively or negatively. I am stubborn. I am shy. I tend to remain to myself and observe those around. But sometimes...

..I am discontented.

Often, actually.

For why is it that I can't meet people that are genuinely interested in me? Why can't I make friends so easily? Why can't I... Just...Why can't I?

Why is it that the people (mainly females in this context, but in general also) who get attention, who are surrounded by people, who don't have to try so damn hard to make the very few friends that they have are not me?

Do I have to wear so little clothing? Toss what intelligence I do have away? Make my sexuality overly obvious? Do I have to do those things to make friends? Meet people? Succeed in the social scene?

I have enough issues with who I am, how I look, and all of that without someone that I care a great deal for helping make those things more obvious. Even if they don't mean to.

It hurts.

It doesn't matter though.

I won't say a word.

Always,
Ophelia.

Cry me a River. Build me a Bridge. And get over it.

Ever had those days when all you want to do on some level is cry? Your eyes burn in that you have been crying way? You have nearly burst into tears several times in the matter of twenty minutes kind of way?

Welcome to my today.

It has gotten a little better since I have been awake for a few hours now.

I am kind of making a decision that feels like it is tearing my heart and soul in half, but not taking one of the halves away. Just leaving it in my presence for me to want but not have, reach for but not take, yearn to hold yet only look from a difference. Look but not touch.

It feels like it is killing me.

But I know that it isn't.

Bare with me.

Always insanely yours,
Ophelia.