Thought...

Isn't it said that how you start the new year off is indicative of how you will spend that year?

If so, my year does not bode well.

As the clock struck midnight, I was sitting in front of a computer at work beside someone that I don't know very well at all yet have a strange attraction (if that is the appropriate word, I am not sure) to know better. I had just gotten off of the phone with a customer. I heard someone, only one person, counting down as the last few seconds slipped away. Then came the sound of a handfull of party noise makers (you know, the ones that you blow in and they make the noise and sometimes unroll). I was alone.

Alone at least emotionally and mentally. And that is the part that matters most, I think.

Always your lady of the darkness and queen of loneliness,
Your Ophelia.


And to the one that won't see it, do you even notice that I am gone? Do you wonder how I am? Do you worry like you claim you do? Do you even care? It doesn't matter, I guess. So long as you are happy. Enjoy the arms of the one you love and the one that I will never be.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time,
Long, long ago....
There was this girl....

You see..
This girl wasn't anything special.
Warranted no special attention
And deserved absolutely nothing.

But one day....

Well.

Maybe it wasn't quite so long ago...

And that story doesn't have quite as happy an ending as it seems like it might.


You see...
That girl is me.

And try as I might, I rarely find the silver lining. I rarely see the bright side.

And why should I? I never get to have a happily ever after. I never get to just have a good day, week, year, lifetime, century, etc. etc. etc.


Le sigh.

Anyway.

I'm going to just listen to my Emilie Autumn and go on. Per usual.


Always,
Ophelia.


P.S., My darlings- Miss Lucy Had Some Leeches. Look it up.

Limits.

I am stretching myself too far, I think.

Always,
Ophelia.

Death

What would happen if you were to die today?

What would you leave behind?

Who would you leave behind?

Would you kill yourself when you reached the end and couldn't live anymore? Or would you keep living because of whatever reasons, be they obligations or fears?

And why is it that people who are happier or people who don't consider death as an option are so against it? They consider it to be the easy way out.

Does it not take a lot of strength and determination to put your own life to an end? It would be easier to kill another than to kill yourself, if you think about it.

Death can be whatever you want it to be depending on how you look at it.

If you were to die tonight in your sleep, who would be the ones shedding tears because you left their life in the physical form?



I would.


Always sentimentally a fool,
Ophelia.

Entwined

I will never forget that moment, that night, that feeling.

I will never forget the very moment that our lives became entwined.

I do not know where we will end up or where this will take us, but I wish that you would understand. I am always here. Always. Waiting. Hoping. Helping. Faking. I am fine.

The moment of our entwining changed both of our lives on some level. Otherwise we wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't play the games that we play with each other.

It wasn't long until the entwining deepened. It wasn't long until we were both in over our heads. The only difference is that I am in it alone.

Neither of us knows where the entwining of our lives will take us. I don't even know if you realize just how tied together we are. On some level, this is how it is meant to be or it wouldn't have happened like it did. I don't know if you will ever realize it. I don't know if you will ever understand. The person that is always there for you most is something more than the person that you wish could always be there for you.

But I wait.

I play our games.

And I am fine.

Always F.I.N.E.,
Ophelia.

Thump

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

In the darkness,
It echoes.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Silent yet deafening.
Moist.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Trapped.
Closed in.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

Safe.
Stored.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.

A secret treasure.
One not to be shared.

Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.


For safe keeping, my heart should be placed in a jar and stored on a shelf.

For no matter how many times I piece it back together, I never hesitate to hand it off to unsteady hands or to drop it myself. Sometimes return it to the same hands that have once before dropped it. If not more.

Always,
Ophelia.

It is odd, sometimes, how much we come to expect something that we shouldn't...

I am no stranger to disappointment. Yet time and time again I find myself expecting things that I have been disappointed in before. Like getting to see a friend that I rarely get to see.

No matter how many times I am disappointed, I never stop expecting it. And it never stops to hurt just as much as the first time.

Always expecting,
Ophelia.